Good things always come to an end. No matter how much you want them to stay, to a certain extent you just have to let them go. Nothing really belongs to you. I have learnt a lot for the past few weeks. I'm tired to face these ugly feelings every single day. Marc told me something that helped to clear my mind. I have to find the end to this. The stories in my head have been rolling nonstop. Only I can push the stop button. I need to let things go. I have to or I'll be eating myself up. I will end up hurting my real feelings, destroying my soul. How I wish I'm only 3 years old where I know nothing about anyone. Nothing hurts more than just a cut on the knee. Now, even a crack in my heart, it hurts so much. So much that I couldn't cry. Hurt so bad that every beat of my heart, I would stop breathing. I have to remind myself that not everyone can read minds. Not even Nadirah who knows me so well. I thought I could handle these commotions. The ugly truth behind it is I can't. I can't do it alone at least. I have been through worse and I should know better that this couldn't be the worst I have to face.
It is time for me to burn the memories. Throw the ashes away, leave everything behind and come back to the old me. The cheerful one they said. I have never realized they actually saw me as the smiling-all-the-way kind of girl. When Shu Ying told me I didn't have the bright look on my face like usual today I was taken aback. I have always thought that I'm the hot-tempered girl, the moody one and always frowning. When she said that, suddenly what Kennard, Ming Wai, Sze Jian and Soh said before makes me realized I was always laughing and smiling and that I wouldn't go through a single day without them. I couldn't accept the fact that I've forgotten about it. It's hard for me to actually believe now that I am a total opposite from how I was 3 years ago. I think I don't know who I am now. Who or what I have became.
Before, no matter how sad I was at the end of the day I know that someone would put a smile on my face. At the moment, I have to do it alone. I'm far from where I belong. It is scary, very scary. I hope someone or anyone would give me a map and a compass for me to find my way back home. Home where I can be myself instead of the one I am now. Someone that I have never knew before. Someone who claimed herself as me. Someone who wore my mask.
Take my hands and hold them tight. Lead me the way out from here. It's so dark and cold. I'm trembling and I'm scared. If you could just give me a light I will be able to find my way back. All I needed is help. A help will do. Though at times, you just have to do it by yourself without anyone to assist you. You have to walk on your own. You have to walk alone.
Let me be happy.
Let me smile without crying inside.
Let me laugh without feeling hurt.
Let me walk without feeling scared.
