zoned out.

Didn’t I tell you before; I’d usually lose my focus while driving. So many things have been running in and out of my head. Recalculating days, hours, seconds; why it happened the way it did. Questions I would question myself and thinking if there would be other answers I’m looking for or I should get. The struggle, the pain I went through was nothing compared to this numb-like feeling.

I guess I was never good enough for anyone, for anything. I’m always the other girl, the one who doesn’t matter. The one people would pass by and never noticed. 

Well, that is what life is about. Obstacles, heartbreaks, betrayal; things that pushed me down feet under.  Sometimes, a hand I could reach out to is all I could ask for.

And I keep grasping air. 

A tough day today.

As if I was walking down the memory lane; the very beginning as I stepped out of the house to head to a place we used to go every time I’m home. As if I was walking to meet you but when I came across the bridge I saw nobody was waiting for me, like you used to.

I would come close to you and your scent lingered around me. That smile as I walked towards you. I would run if I could but I had my heels on most of the time and you liked it that way. I wouldn’t smile at first but when we walked side by side; my heart skipped few beats, as if it was normal to do so.

Felt a little odd, walking in the bookstore without you waiting inside.

I would find you between the shelves. One day, with a flower in your hand. Another day, with an ice-cream. We would roam around speaking in languages only we could understand and communicate. You standing tall gave me a secured feeling by your side.

Went in the shoes store; no one was sitting, waiting for me to choose my favourite.

You came wearing my favourite attire. I smiled secretly. Patiently, you waited when I know you needed to go. Wish you didn’t have to. Wish I could hold your hands and never let go. But I did.

Wanted to get myself an ice-cream but I guess I wasn’t ready to see those seats where they were once our favourite spots.

Breakfast with a secret minty box as a present. Vain pictures of ourselves. Porridge and apple pies. Oh, too many to list.

Even as I walked back home, there are no more goodbyes.

I got used to look forward to your text messages or phone calls but there will be none anymore.

A happy song felt so sad cuz the past came crawling in. I supposed I was happy back then. Thank you.

anger anger anger.

Howdy? Enjoying summer? At least I know I am. *grins*

Watching over baby Salahuddin has been rather enjoyable and challenging at the same time. He loves sleeping on my shoulder and that makes him love his emu (mom’s sister) more!!!

***

I couldn’t think of what else to write yesterday so I watched a Korean drama “A Gentleman’s Dignity” in hope that I could get some ideas on what to write about. But then, I fell asleep.

Mom’s gonna be away for a while and I will have to take charge of the house. For some, they might be thinking “Ah, mommy’s not at home. I can go in and out of the house at my own wish.” For me, “Ah, mommy’s not at home. I’m doomed!” I have absolute no idea what to do since I’m only home for 2 weeks. Brother kept asking me for his freaking bag and how am I supposed to know when I wasn’t home for at least a year. So many changes in the house, so many things and so many people living in it and you expect me to know where you put your freaking bag, you selfish doc!

*Ah, don’t mind the anger. I’m trying my best not to get angry and cursing all night*

And sister wanted me to go to Kelantan for a short vacay this weekend. Of course I would love to but I have things to handle and you may think it’s easy to just let other stranger take over the house. Hell no! I have had enough of strangers coming in and out of the house, taking advantages over the comfort and all. Thinking it was okay for them to eat the food in the house, stay in the rooms and use the things in the house. Uwahhhhh! I am particular of those things. If you’re a guest, be a freaking guest and mind your bloody manners! I’m as the host of course will have my manners too but once you crossed the line, trust me you won’t want to see my face.

Then again…

Oh I’m late for class already. Tata!

keeping good i hope.

2 weeks.

“2 weeks; that’s all it took for me to fall in love with you”-Savannah, Dear John

Nah, wasn’t talking about that. 2 weeks and that’s how long I’ve been home already. Little that I realise; I wanted to see you again. Or maybe just see you from far, see you happy and healthy. Well, I hope you are.

July’s coming soon and I supposed you’ve forgotten about it, have you? But all is good now and I’m sure you’re happier than before.

Just thought… if you wanted to see me I would love to catch up on you again. 

Only if you don’t mind.

Terlalu lama.

Sampai kapan hati ini akan begini

Harungi segala duka and duri

Sampai kapan senyumnya terukir

Menghilangkan rasa dipinggir

Menghilangkan rasa ini.

Hati… jangan kau derita lagi

Jangan kau tabahkan diri

Untuk jasad yang akan jatuh

Terlalu lama berjalan jauh

Terlalu lama berdiri teguh.

Suatu hari akan kau ketawa

Hatikan gembira semula

Suatu hari itu akan datang

Bawakan cahya bersinar

Menerangi yang pudar.

First impression.

It’s almost 4 in the morning and I can’t seem to fall asleep. I guess jetlag has now kicking in and hope it will be gone soon before Mommy starts scolding me for getting up by noon. Gave my first impression after arriving that I woke up before she did but now that body’s still adapting to the circadian cycle, she might not be very happy about it.

First impression.

It’s really hard to tell a person from their first appearance. You’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, aren’t you? But why then do people always do that? And most of the time it always ended as a bad result.

I can definitely say most people that I met have always left me with fine sensation even though they ended up being the jerkiest lads you’ve ever met. Usually when I was first introduced to, usually a friend’s friend, I would normally be as nice as I could and dropping tiny bits of flaw there are within me. True colour must always be shown so at least the ‘new’ person will have a clue of what kind of person I am. I’d probably gave a pretty bad impression to people but honestly, never would I ever judge someone before knowing or at least heard or seen for myself the appalling deeds he or she had done.

It’s not fair, isn’t it? How easy they put labels on you and hence making the hatred built up inside.

“Oh, she’s too English.”

“She doesn’t know how to speak Malay!”

“She’s a private student; must be from a rich family.”

 “What’s with the thick eye lines?”

“Too socialise.”

“Too high class, I can’t keep up.”

Believe it or not, those were some of the ‘labels’ labelled on me. There are more cruel ones but I’ll leave them behind.

First impression.

I’ll give an example when I first met my dear Jian. A Chinese boy introduced by a friend. He’s kinda cute and friendly. Quiet and speaks very little with me. It doesn’t help at first since we’re both shy but by the end of the day we ended up talking about Korean dramas and anime happily and loudly. We would chat on Live Messenger and tadaa… we are really good friends now (and he’s the only person who would still call me ‘sayang’ for no valid reason!).

“What a pretty smile!”

“Very bubbly she is!”

“I love her eyes!”

“He’s so considerate!”

“Such a gentleman ;)”

“He’s…tall!”

“Too cute!!!”

“What a nice man :)”

Yup, those were MY kind of first impression towards others. Honest and true and I’m not making up stories.

But keep in mind that people change and somehow you wish they wouldn’t from what they were when you first met them. It makes you want to turn time around so you could at least feel the comfort and their warmth again.  

I’m not saying I’m perfect or the nicest person on Earth. What I’m trying to say is just be nice to others, think nice of others and stop judging all the time. it’s really annoying and hurtful in many ways.

PS: You could save a life by just shutting up your mouth and keep your mind blank.

Welcome home.

Malaysia oh... no wait, scratch that.

Ampang, oh tanah airku~ 

Finally home sweet home bitchezzz~ Arrived on Friday evening and when my eyes laid on baby Salahuddin I think my heart literally skipped a beat! He's utterly beyond cuteness of all babies! Nicely having him wrapped in my arms (awkwardly) he giggled and smiled when I played with him. Oh, heaven!

Unlike last year when I came back for summer break, I couldn't eat oily food and stuff like that but Alhamdulillah, the following morning I had nasi goreng with nugget(!!!) and roti canai(!!!!!!). Hisham came back from his Cardio Course and brought me and Ikmal out for early supper. We had what they called- Burger Bakar somewhere in Wangsa Maju. I'm not a fan of burgers but that burger was alright. Just, I can't really open my mouth big enough to fit it in. :(  I took a layer of beef patty with cheese. The other types aren't my kind of burger. Oh well.

Sunday morning, woke up early for Hadith class and had NASI LEMAK (weii!!!) for breakfast. I dare say it's been 2 freakin' years since my last nasi lemak. 

Apparently, jetlag hasn't been bothering me much. Been sleeping at about 12am or at most 3am but I would still wake up at 5 or 6am for Fajr prayers did stretches before heading downstairs for breakfast. 

Haven't been to Ampang Point even :( let alone KLCC or Pavilion. 

But anyways, I'll keep updating my summer break I hope. Forseeing busy schedule whatnot with mommy and daddy are gonna be outstation soon.

Fire of boldness.

So it was finally said; the words I’ve been holding in. Felt like a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders. Just wanted it to be known and that’s it. I’m taking it alright but I have absolute no idea where the courage came from. *smiles*

『처음 널 만났을때, 우린 웃으면 인사했어요. 처음에는 내 가슴이 떨고있었어요. 내마음이 나도 모르겠어. 언제 부터 내가 너를 빠졌죠? 조금씩 더 , 나는 가까이다가서. 수없이 내맘이 나를 미치게. 하지만 지금 괜찮아요. 너의 이름 너의 추억 다 기억할게요. 고마워요 친구야 그동안 나는 행복하기도하고 너 때문에.』

***

I was down with fever since yesterday morning. But I had to go and get the shopping done because after that I’m staying in till the day I fly to Malaysia. I know I have a lot to do; clean my room, pack my bags, arrange my closet, stack up the books, but with this fever and random attacks at my rib-sternum and rib-spine joints and now my left shoulder (still hurts now and then) I can’t really get things on time. I guess as long as I’m breathing, this chondritis will make its way throughout the whole body and I’m not surprised if that happens.

Just something I’ve been wondering, have I changed? But I don’t know who to ask to. People I’m surrounded with have constantly changed. Many have walked out, few stayed but farther than where I am. Even those who are close enough distant themselves.

I keep telling myself, it’s all going to be alright. It’s not the end yet because the end is the eternity life I shall encounter if not now, soon enough. I care about others too much that sometimes I forgot that I’m actually a person too; a girl with feelings. Wonder why didn’t I care about mine first? I’m no different than the others. Why didn’t I make myself a priority? Honestly, I don’t know either. I never thought of it. All I know is as long as they are happy I’ll be fine. As long as I’m the one who get hurt and not them, I’ll be fine.

PS: 잊지 말아요.

Spiral of existence.

Years back when I had to write an English essay on life, I quoted Kurt Cobain’s ‘The finest day I ever had was when tomorrow never came.’ At the very moment where the meaning of the quote was so deep and strongly planted in me. A simple quote that somewhat gave me another meaning-  I’m disturbed.

When was I? 13 years old and I’m thinking about death. Even Islam taught you that death doesn’t matter of age. When my English teacher read the essay, he had to see me. I was absent for two weeks and by the time I came back, we had a very profound conversation about it. Silly young me, never thought people would actually care. But when he did, I felt as if he’s the angel, my guardian angel. Obviously, he started off by correcting my grammar then he asked about my family and finally about me. Quietly listening to what I have to say, he was there as a friend. Comfort me with his calm eyes; slowly I opened up on death. How I came close to it, my view of it, my longing for it.

Just when I tried giving up on people, whether they are family or friends, he came to my rescue. It’s probably ridiculous but he cared. Someone, a stranger, a teacher even, cared. And that’s all it takes. Care about others and you might save a life.

For once I thought life will be better. Because of people like him, I strive to the battle field. Fighting for love you may say. But after repeated battleships, you tend to outgrow the fight. Greed and power conquered. Love slowly fades. You grew thicker and devilish. Hunger for more bloodshed for your own desire. It’s disgusting when you think through. The person, no, the kind of puppet you’ve became. Drowned by the world’s need. Friends, at first you thought, ended up becoming your known enemies. Blinded and fooled.

Sparks of hope and trust are what I need but repeatedly failed at getting them.

Has it come the time for me to see tomorrow?

Confused mind after all.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Things that matter, things that don’t, things that not worth my attention, things that bothered me, things that I wish would happen and things that are probably useless but I can’t help not to think about them.

It’s rather amazing how your mind works. The words were to put into a sentence; plays a big role in portraying one self. A word or probably a sentence might just lash out the whole perception on someone. *sigh*

Isn’t it scary? Human?

What the mind thinks you will never know; judging from one’s action may somewhat describe what and how a person is. Then again, bias came in. In the end, there’s no definite conclusion as the world keeps revolving, people keep changing. Forgive and forget might be the only solution to protect one’s feeling. Then, comes equality, balance. Fairness. Memories, depression, sadness. Pretentious.

How complex a human being can be?

Even I myself sometimes confused with my own feelings.

At one point, I was brave and daring but at another point, I have the urge to protect myself from getting hurt. If I was to fall deeper, I know I don’t have the power to rise up again.

For example, love.

It’s sure nice to be in love, share the happiness with your partner, laugh together and so on but another heart break…?

No, I can’t go through that. *shudders* I’d rather eat my own self than going through another heart break even if it means one sided.

Here’s thinking I have a tough heart when the fact is… it’s too fragile. It’s been beaten and broken. Shattered and fixed again and obviously won’t be the same.

Another example, friendship.

Now that’s a long story to be told. Having friends to stab you in front hurts as much as they do even from behind. But why then, were they called friends? How could they?

PS: Didn’t I tell you? Humans are scary creatures.

Willkommen auf Deutschland! part 2

Sorry, I’ve been rather lazy knowing summer is here. *grins* Korean dramas have been keeping me occupied throughout the day. And night.

***

We arrived at Frankfurt and stayed over at a friend’s house. The initial plan was to drop the car in Hamburg while Syamim and Nabiela take a train to Berlin and then fly off to London the following morning. After further consideration, visiting Hamburg was cancelled and all five of us left to Berlin the very next morning. Was too exhausted to drive; I slept throughout the 9 hours journey.

To our surprise, Berlin was freezing cold with the wind blowing hard and rain came down now and then. After going around Berlin for a bit, we dropped off the car and had doner kebab (which was supposed to be delish, and it is!) for dinner. Fortunately I’m in my layers so I didn’t feel that cold; gave my outer coat for them to borrow. Everyone was getting knackered by the time we reached the hostel again. However, me, Arif and Syamim went for a night walk at the Brandenburg Tor while experiencing the night life in Berlin, specifically the underground.

The next morning, I woke up knowing the other girls left for London. Was that tired that I didn’t realised they came in to bid goodbye. Waking up to beautiful clouds (which I wished I took a picture of them) felt as if I’d rather stay in and enjoy the comfy bed than walking about in Berlin. Then again, chances are very rare- I finally woke up and went for a shower before heading out. We got into Madam Tussauds and Sea Life; I’d definitely enjoyed Sea Life more whatnot with the pretty sharks and starfishes. We had kebab again for lunch and head off to the Tor and Checkpoint Charlie. By the time we reached to the museums, they were all closed. Arif loves the doner there so we decided to find another shop for dinner.

Last day in Berlin finally; spent the morning in museums. By noon, we left to the airport and I especially was excited to be home!

Oh did I mention? Chondritis attacked me quite a few times in Berlin. Only in Berlin. Looks like I have to avoid cold windy places. Or rather, I shall have it checked this summer! Woohoo~

***

But I guess bad luck never ends there. Carelessly, I left my spectacles in a cab and for the next few days or so before I leave for Malaysia, I shall be half-blinded.  Oh well, I should really get used to this, shouldn’t I?

PS: Open up and truth shall be revealed.

Teddy!

Changing my profile picture with Teddy (see Facebook) brought millions of memories back. Funny how things have changed lately. The tears I’ve cried dried and there’s none flowing even when sometimes you crossed my mind.

I just don’t know how to tell Teddy that you won’t be around anymore. Don’t think I even have the heart to face him and smile happily when deep down, the scar isn’t fully healed. It’s really unfair isn’t it? Lucky no children were involved otherwise they could be traumatised as much as I am.

But you’re long gone.

You’ve moved on.

And it’s about time that you should let me go fully…

…  so I could move on too.

Willkommen auf Deutschland! part 1

I’m back home bitchezzz~ Well, it’s been three days since I’ve landed. The vacay has been a crazy one and I’m not looking forward to any because I’m energy deprived for now.

***

We started off our journey with missing the flight in the morning and had to pay quite a sum of euros for the night flight. Everything had to be changed; the car, hostels, plans. For a second I really thought I didn’t want to proceed with the vacation, knowing a bad start might just continue for the rest of the week. At least, I wasn’t wrong in this sense. Then again, we all boarded the plane to Frankfurt and drove for 6 hours down to Munich; taking turns with Syamim, Arif and I . After checking in at the hostel, we rested for a bit and continued the plan for the day. Being me; always so silly, I hiked the mountains with my wedges and bearing the pain throughout. Supposed to visit 2 castles on different ends but we accidentally climbed the second castle first. Had to walked back all the way down and I finally gave up hiking and climbing. Feet screamed for their lives so I decided to ditch those castles and went to the royal family museum by the Alpsee sea by myself. The most, it’s warm and cosy to be in rather than outside which was raining tiny bits of raindrops.

On our way back home, we stopped by the road and had a camwhore session and I drove back to Munich while the rest were peacefully sleeping drowned by the tiredness that took us the whole day. I couldn’t sleep well that night but eventually the exhaustion took me deep into the dreamland.

Soon before we realised, we’re on our way to Europa Park the very next day. About 3 hours by car to reach there and when we finally did, the adrenaline rush got our hearts thumping at the sight of the crazy loopy rides and soft fading screams. The first ride we got on was well, personally, a tad bit disappointing. After a while, everything started to get its thrust and ‘Wooden’ was by far the most thrilled ride in the park. I’d normally do the driving back to our hostels since I knew the girls and Arif will definitely be tired and being me, a quiet driver, I don’t normally do the talking in the car.

Rhine Valley was our next destination. Driving back up to somewhere nearby Frankfurt means another 6 hours to be spent in the car. We stopped by a park and stretched our arms and legs after the long journey. Having ice creams in the car with little rain outside, the setting was just nice to have a nap after. Just before midnight, we arrived at a friend’s place in Frankfurt to stay for a night.

***

I’ll probably continue the rest of the trip tomorrow or something. Can’t really think properly now since I’m watching Korean drama by the side. Teehee.

PS: Chasing pavements?