Masihkah dirimu mencintaiku?

Few months ago ‘We’ turned into just ‘You’ and ‘I’. I guess I wasn’t that quick to fall in love again, unlike you. Well, maybe ours wasn’t love at all?

Uh-oh. I’m back at reminiscing ‘us’.

Thought I could live on without our memories but they came when I least expect them. Little things like colors (since questioning you about color can be very amusing), animals (squirrel and tiger), gestures (the way you taught me to tear off the noodle sachet), random words we invented together, your different kind of smiles (caught myself smiling at that!) and many more.

Even rainy weather brought back memories during high school. *sigh I’m such a sucker at being romantic especially at times like this. I shall blame you. I want to. Because you showed me love like nobody else did.

  

Okay, you should go and be lovey dovey with your beloved now. Enough of me already. LOL!

Stealing as much time as I could!

I have wanted to write again but I supposed time has been envying me and keeping me occupied with other things.

I left Dad’s place three days before Eid. The thing I miss most was praying together with mom, sisters and brothers with my baby brother as the imam. Packing for both Eid and Dublin can be really exhausting; deciding which to be used during the first day of Syawal and keep the rest locked in huge luggages. Thank God it was all done almost perfectly.  With my sister coming along with me back to Dublin, we get to bring 40kg each! Ain’t that awesome? I don’t know how Mom got it but I supposed the agent company was having a summer promo.

The last day of fasting was pretty much challenging. Apparently the men weren’t anywhere to be seen to help out with the loads outside in order to prepare for the big day. So, Mom asked me to help carrying heavy loads, tables, chairs, woods, etc. I happened to be the only girl outside while my sisters, aunts and cousin sisters were all in the kitchen preparing food. I shall say I’m not a fan of the kitchen when everyone is there in a small room. I mean, I hate knocking into each other and having to make the room crowded.  

Anyways, soon after I’ve done carrying heavy loads I thought I might have a couple of hours till breaking fast time. Somehow being at my kampong proves that time passes really slow. Slower than a snail! It was really really challenging and ‘I want 100plus’ became my mantra for the rest of the hours before sunset. *laughs*

Few days after Eid, my sister and I finally flew to Dublin! One awesome incident happened was after our two hours transit in Dubai, I found out that I got myself a seat at the business class section! Apparently, our flight booking wasn’t done together and probably that’s how I ended up being in business class. Hmmm…  Well, I thought of exchanging it with my sister but since the ticket has my name written on it, I can’t.

I have to say, being there in the business class got me sooo awkward. They kept coming to me offering champagne and juices. Food is given like every time! And I couldn’t sleep well because they kept waking me up. Urgh! Yes, it’s more spacious and comfortable but it’s too comfortable and it felt very uneasy for me. I was actually worrying about my sister because from the previous flight we missed our meal and ended up starving till we touchdown on Dubai.

We arrived safely in Dublin and the weather has been rather perfect. For a few days of course! *wink* 

Have a nice holiday and happy getting back to a new semester to all! 

silent rebel.

I’m sick and tired of all these torturing. It’s already stressful enough to not be where I wanted to be at and now you’re even making it harder for me to leave. Why the fuck should I even listen at the first plac?

Worst summer ever.

Maybe you should have aborted me 21 years ago.

I know I’m your biggest regret. 

running till you see none.

It was only for two days that I stayed away from (almost) everyone. Well, at least I’m emotionally stabilised now. I must have sounded stupid to you, haven’t I? I guess that’s just being me. One silly human being and should I apologise for being me, then?

Anyways, I’m up watching the Olympics! Only the decathlon of course. Other sports aren’t my interest much. How I wish I’m into running still. Sprinting was my best during school years but deteriorating soon after I left for college. That feeling you get while running your heart out. You get to hear your feet pushing the earth for momentum and feel each one of your muscle tensed in such a speed. Even your heartbeat sounded louder than the cheering. And finally you passed through the finish line then only you learned to breathe properly.

Good old days they were.

Forbidden kind.

Tiger, what is love to you? Maybe what you’re going through is love. Dahaeng ineyo. You’re so much happier than before. She brought you light that brighten up your days and nights.

What is love to me? Love is you. Love is when you walked me home with your cap on and eating McFlurry. Love is when you read through me. Love is when you stared straight into my eyes. Love is when you talked to me when you’re sleepy. Love is when you delivered double cheeseburger personally for me. Love is when you sang ‘Twinkle twinkle little star’. Love is April 4^th. Love is Teddy. Love is Greeny and Orangey. Love is when you smiled and melted my heart. Love is when you made funny faces on Skype. Love is when you called me ‘Good morning’. Love is when you spoke in your squeaky voice. Love was the whole of 4 years together.

But our kind is a forbidden love. No pictures, no letters, no messages, nothing could be kept except memories we made. And with those memories left will I remember for the rest of my life. I won’t forget. I don’t want to forget. Those time when you gave me a taste of pure love. The kind that absorbed through your skin and ran in your veins; giving warmth even in the coldest night.

Seeing you happy, I thought I could be too. I tried and tried and tried but failed and falling apart. I don’t know how to love anymore. A friend asked me if I love this guy who caught my attention before. I said… I don’t know what love is anymore. I’d probably like him but never love because he’s not you. No one will ever be the love that I’ve had. No one will ever be you.

I may sound ridiculous to you. You might even get tired of me being like this but I’ll never get tired of running through the memories we had before. Because those memories reminded me of what love truly means. Without them, I don’t know what love is. I don’t know how love feels, how it tastes, how it grew in me, how it hurts me inside out.

Tiger, were you happy? 

home home home, this weekend!

I honestly have no idea what to write really. The things I wanted to share are probably not worth writing them here.

Oh maybe one thing I could. Finally, Dad decided to head up to Kuala Lumpur on Saturday which means I’m missing my high school gathering then. Sorry girls, Inshallah there will always be next time.

And this coming Sunday is perhaps one of Shazli’s biggest day ever! His convocation and officially a ‘Doctor’. Yay! I am definitely proud and happy for him after all he has gone through. Congratulations!

PS: It’s killing me that I haven’t seen my second brother and my second sister ever since they’re back in Malaysia for summer.