So life is a bitch. Not that anyone already knows about it. Again, life is a bitch and I'm actually frustrated!
It all happened somewhere at the end of January this year. Yes, I got my details right because I just checked them out. Apparently, I was the one who have asked us to actually separate. Like no contacts, no messages, no emailing, no everything. But somehow I had forgotten about that. Totally forgotten about the fact that we are no longer in good terms. But why then did he still say that he misses me, loves me, been thinking about me? I don't know. I don't even know what to write anymore. Because... I guess I'm just scared.
You were once someone I loved. You were once someone I cried for. Looking back, you were my white owl. Watching me from far. Now, I'm walking with another. Smiling at the memories we had together.
We used the same bag and we wore the same colour of top and hijab. Her picture was taken some time last week and mine was last year. The real meaning of sisters? Me thinks so.
This new semester has been a crazy one for me indeed. With different societies I'm committed into and other people to tolerate to, I wish I have mom to monitor my movements. Staying in Dublin taught me how life can really be more difficult than it has already been. I wonder is God actually having fun watching me getting the torture. Or was it just plainly my fault for being far away from Him? At a point, I wish I just want to quit. But hey, that's not what I am and I will make sure I won't quit. These are just the beginning and let's take it as a way to get to know how to improve self in dealing with different minds. Scarification is a must if you want to survive. But how easy do people look down on things which are so important. There are a few events had occurred to me for the past eight weeks or so. I'm entering March next week and it will definitely be another crazy month to go through. Having someone who is a Malay boy, which I can never get along with, working with me and having all his egos on me is just another minor stuff I have to go through with. International Night's coming up and everyone's looking forward to it. Looks like I have to make up my mind to which is more important. As I am writing this –lucky thing I'm in the library hence less sounds of frustration can be heard- I feel like breaking down and letting go all of my responsibilities. I want to disappear to nowhere and away from everyone. Away from those usrah sisters who have been unconsciously forcing me to attend to their circles or whatever they call themselves. As a matured grown up people they should have understood why I've made my decision. The worse thing they did was to make it even worst. Should I be disappointed at them or at myself? Should I apologise or should I avoid? Should I just give up or go on and be strong? What is it that God's trying to tell me? Because I don't think I can get what He's trying to tell me or show to me or hinting me.
Should I even be sorry for being me? Should I change who you want me to be? Should I not be myself and be who you wanted me to be like? Should I even listen to the words you are saying?
Or rather,
Why would I apologise? Why would I change myself to be who you want me to be? Why would I not be myself? Why would I even listen to you?
If you think you have read the words of God, I guess you haven't read enough. Saying all those ayahs to people, well the bitter truth is action speaks louder than words. I don't have to have your judgement to judge me. I know God knows me and He knows what I like and what I don't like. He made me, of course He would know. And who are you, who actually are at the same level as me, to be superior and egoistic yet irresponsible? If you're trying to take care of other people's character, make sure your character is well enough taken care of.
I'm done complaining and sighing and getting all disappointed.
This song accompanied me during my days back in Penang. Maybe some of you might not like JBieber but I do and I appreciate all his songs especially this one. Enjoy the song ^^
Here's the lyric :D
Everybody's laughing in my mind Rumors spreadin' 'bout this other guy Do you do what you did when you did with me, Does he love you the way I can? Did you forget all the plans that you made with me Cause baby I didn't
That should be me holding your hand That should be me making you laugh That should be me this is so sad That should be me that should be me That should be me feeling your kiss That should be me buying you gifts This is so wrong I can't go on 'Till you believe that That should be me
That should be me
You said you needed a little time for my mistakes It's funny how you used that time to have me replaced Did you think that I wouldn't see you out at the movies What you doin' to me You're taking him where we used to go Now if you're tryin' to break my heart It's working cause you know that
That should be me holding your hand That should be me making you laugh That should be me this is so sad That should be me that should be me That should be me feeling your kiss That should be me buying you gifts This is so wrong I can't go on 'Till you believe That should be me
I need to know should I fight for love Or disarm It's getting harder to shield This pain in my heart
Ooooh
That should be me holding your hand That should be me making you laugh That should be me this is so sad That should be me that should be me That should be me feeling your kiss That should be me buying you gifts This is so wrong I can't go on 'Till you believe That that should be me
(Holding your hand) That should be me (The one making you laugh (oh baby oh)) That should be me
That should be me (Giving you flowers) That should be me (Talking for hours) That should be me That should be me That should be me Never should've let you go I never should've let you go That should be me I never should've let you go That should be me
I feel as if Allah's reminding me to be strong at times like this. A period of time when your head is about to blow up. Time when everything else seems wrong and you cannot make them right especially during examination season. I couldn't thank HIM more to get my nawaytu right. Again. How merciful HE is towards me.
"O'Allah, forgive me for my carelessness, for my ignorance, for my stupidity."
Insha'Allah with the help of HIM, I can continue study with a peaceful heart, mind and soul.
Lastly, I thank God to have friends like them ^^ Alhamdulillah.
