Surreally real.

Dad brought me out to have iftar at the hotel next door. Food was all good! I had a taste of the seafood section; prawns, squids, dori fillet and mixed veggie made the perfect dish tonight. Different kind of cakes and fruits are available for desserts. Different type of drinks are served for the guests. There are other variety of food; Dad's favourites like the lamb, chicken, beef etc.

I ended quite early with my food. The adults were obviously chitchattering about the news, work and so on. So, while I was scanning the ballroom, my eyes fell on two lovely little girls and their father. He looked Chinese but with excellent Malay language.

As I looked at the three of them entertaining each other, it crossed my mind...
'Is that how Dad was with me and my sister when we were younger?'

Then it hit me; Dad has been away since I turned one year old. I have only seen him at least 3 times every months. But the number decreased as the years passed by; sometimes only once in three months. Compared to how the father I was talking about and Dad, did he play with me like the father did to his little girls? As far as I know, I believe I spent the least time with Dad than the rest of my brothers and sisters. I'd probably say I somewhat envy those girls for having such a father. I mean, I love my Dad. Endlessly. But my childhood felt empty in a way. I don't have a solid memory of me with Dad and that saddens me a little.

Then I saw something; the future...
'Is that how he will be like with my daughters, if I have any?'

He referring to Marc, the ex boyfriend. We did talk about marriage and having kids; baby boy, baby girl, twins, living together in South Korea or something like that. Looked so vivid to me when I saw the father and his little girls. Well, those were the days we thought that might happen. Might. At least the father looked happy and laughing around playing with his kids.

I noticed I smiled to myself wishing how lovely it would be.






Wish I could spin the globe and make the world a better place to stay.

Derimmhhh. Oh, I meant dream.

Watta DREAM!
Twice. Twice. Twice.

And definitely when I thought less. Seems surreal. Well, of course it is! But weird enough as if they're trying to tell me something. Meh, wish Leonardo DiCap could explain to me :) *Ah, dream guy!*




Come again please :) Promise I won't in real life.

Random Random Random

Was reading this random blog and it got me thinking... 'Ah, this person has a personality.' *smiles* But who am I to judge, right?

Yes, like every other social network, I will somehow let you, the world, know what I'm doing, what I did, what I'm thinking yada yada yada. Love me or hate me? *evil laughter* Oh wait, I haven't told you yet! Well, proudly I did abit of running today! (Yay me!) Me bragging? Probably, if you think so. But I'm not you and I can never stop what you're thinking. Sooooo... =/

Anyways, what I wrote above does not make any sense to you, am I right? It doesn't to me so if it does to you then... erh. *strange look* Wait, mind has definitely gone haywired. Sorry!

Oh how fast the time passed. Day 4 Ramadhan and few hours to iftar time! Woohoo~ Dad said we're having iftar at a hotel. Buffet I supposed.
Him and food is like me and Emma. Except you can't eat human.

Haven't been home for two weeks. Thought I was dying here alone. Almost. No, I'm serious. The next time I'm home I'm staying on my castle (which is actually my bed. It's my favorite.) forever! Not a single step out unless the nature calls. He He.

Suppose Dad gonna be home any minute now. I hate food. I literally hate it. And no, I didn't mean my Dad.






Lemme stay for Eid pleaseeeee! :( Just for the portrait pictures' sake :p

Then again, being away is good too :)

Only a human.

It's the first night of terawikh for the month of Ramadhan. It also means the first time not being able to perform terawikh with my family. Though I wish I could be in KL atleast by tonight but Dad's too tired to drive down. I don't blame him though; he was oncall yesterday.

Ramadhan, definitely a good month to begin a good routine. With the help of Allah, I would like to add-in more surah for my hafazan; haven't done the murajaah for quite awhile now. Also, increase more pages in reciting the Koran everyday and read a book of hadith. Inshallah.

One good thing about having hormone imbalance is that Alhamdulillah I had atleast 5 years of full Ramadhan plus the 6days fast in Syawal. With hope this year too inshallah.

Anyways, Dad wants me to go back to Dublin early though I wish I could stay for Eid. I actually dont mind either. Fasting in Dublin would be nice! The long hours before you can have your iftar will make you appreciate hunger. It is only for about 18 hours but imagine those without food or water for days. So kids, please don't waste your food and don't be greedy too. Give sadaqah or infaq fisabilillah and Allah will return the reward in ways you can never predict!

So let's change for the better shall we? Inshallah with Allah's permission and His mercy we shall :)

Long way.

Come to think about it, every person I met have always made their way into my heart. Even when I least fancy a person but somewhere in me would have given them a tiny bit of space. Probably the size of the smallest pixel ever discovered.

Funny, how I never did make it to their hearts instead. Not that I want to but I wish at least there is a space for me to be who I am around them. It’s terrifying when the person who you thought you’re comfortable with actually trying so hard to push you far away than you can imagined.

I’ve encountered it many times; should probably get used to it but I keep failing at pushing them away. Even with a drop of kindness, my heart opens up to them like the wideness of an ocean. Someone used to tell me to learn to say ‘No’. And every time I did, I could feel my heart dropped. Thinking if I were to be in the other person’s shoes and getting that sort of response, I’d be feeling rather upset and disappointed. That’s why I'll be alright if it hurts me for a bit.

After all bad things won’t last forever, will they? 

Oh simple thing.

Where I wish I am right now?

At the KLIA. Fetching both my 2^nd brother and 2^nd sister!

Sadly I’m only home on Friday night and it’s gonna be the first night of Ramadhan. Weee~ Can’t wait for iftar with the whole Shahroms. 

PS: Why don't we go... somewhere only we know?

Hopes, fears and all together.

I’m currently 8 floors above the ground or maybe more. But for now let’s stick to 8 floors above. I feel safer that way. Shall I describe the view in front of me?

 I’m seeing the straits with a fishing boat slowly (it looked slow to me) breaking through the waves. A large chunk of Earth can be seen about 400m away from where I am and I’m guessing more developments will grow in the next couple of years. Three cream-painted condominiums handsomely standing still behind the greenery; I bet the tenants there could even see Singapore up-close. The best thing is I could see the clouds deliciously shaped into cotton candies and swayed along by the wind. Subhan Allah.

It’s rather quiet at the moment. Well, it was pretty chaotic some time ago since there was a sports event going on in a primary school nearby. Those days when sports day was a day to look forward to; a day where best friends turned into enemies, if you happened not to be in the same squad. By the end of the day, winner or loser didn’t matter because what matter was we all had fun. Then again, the winner will always have her way out to brag about the medals. Kids. *shakes head*

So I guess, I’m no more a kid. No, not as in baby goat but a kid as in a child. (Get the joke? Probably not.) Anyways, I’m thinking of ways to change my fate. Going through what I’ve been through, I have never been so eager to leave all these behind and take a different highway. I want to be ordinary because being extraordinary is too mainstream. It might not be fair, to say that I’m taking other people’s place if I’m no longer interested. You see, why keep seeing from people’s perspective when you’re the one who went through all the trouble to be where you are now? Probably this is a dead end. Unless you break through the ‘wall’, you’re just gonna stuck there since turning back might not be a good idea after all. And while you’re breaking it let’s just hope that there won’t be another wall.

I wouldn’t mind if I’m in a ‘maze’ instead because though you might not be able to find a way out but you know you will eventually find something towards the end. Provided what you find wouldn’t be a portkey which will lead you to Lord Voldemort and witnessing Cedric’s death. (Oh no, I’m fictioning! And also sobbing for his death *cries*) Also, if you don’t read or watch Harry Potter then you won’t get what I wrote above. Hint: It’s a scene from Goblet of Fire. The 4^th book, remember? The part where… oh, nevermind.

I’m lacking of inspiration.

On a different note, I hope the coming Ramadhan will somehow clean me up! I have always always love Ramadhan than that of Eid Fitri. And with that…

… Happy Ramadhan to my muslim brothers and sisters! 

color me white.

once again it was mentioned and my mind went blank like a white A4 paper.

kept coming across places you brought me for our dates. honestly speaking, i think im not over you yet when clearly i should.

even after all these, i keep having this tiny bit of hope.
hope that...




nevermind.



PS: restating the truth got me out of the norm. disappearing soon.

July 9th

Just so you know, I still remember today five years ago.
You're in my head the whole day.
Even in my dreams.





Thank you for the happiness.

virtual family time.

Skyping with Mom, Abg Shazli and Kak Nadie since 2am just made my day! Mom’s been away for almost 10 days and I miss her already. So many stories were shared and laughters broke the silent cold night.

I can’t wait for full house and having breakfast or dinner together with the whole members inshallah. *grins*

More good news to come!

PS: You surprised me actually. Like big time!