The End.

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah

The two weeks of finals are finally over! Yay!

* What Time Is It?- High school musical 2 playing at the background*

 IT’S SUMMER TIME BABY! :D

Right after exams, my friends and I went for a huge lunch; at least for me since I haven’t been eating a lot during exams period. Then, went for a bit of shopping with the little girl *smiles* and we had frappuccino as desserts. Strolled in the park and a bit of camwhore here and there, it suddenly feels like I’m too free to do all those. A week ago, I actually asked for a hangout with a dear friend of mine but I thought since we haven’t been talking so, that hangout was automatically cancelled. But apparently, it’s still going on but since I wasn’t prepared for it, I ended up ruin the whole plan. At most, that friend gets to sweat in the evening. *wink*

Library books were all returned and they cost me €7 for returning late. I wouldn’t blame it since I can’t keep track of dates during exams week. Initial plan of the day was to have lunch, ice-cream *been craving for that*, a bit of running, Korean dramas marathon, sleep and the next day do a bit of shopping. But none of those actually happened except for lunch. It’s alright though since the day turned out pretty well for me.

Anyways, I’ll be going to Germany for a short vacation with my group mates. With Mom said yes to that, I can finally go with ease. Again, Alhamdulillah. I don’t know what to expect though. Pretty nervous about it I’m not sure why. So, all you readers out there do take care of yourselves and I’ll write again when I’m back inshallah :)

And so I shall get ready to leave home soon. Having dinner with the girls but I can’t take anything in anymore. I’m too full from lunch; had a big bowl of seafood ramen. Looks like I’ll be having another long night tonight. The girls are planning for a movie-night-slumber-party which means, I can actually get my dose of ice-cream! WeeHoo~

PS: I’ll get you fridge magnet, okay? 

A great loss was felt.

Although I wasn’t that close to be called a friend, but the way he left brought up all those deep memories buried within myself. In such a cruel way to let go, between the times when they found out, did you suffer? Was that what you’ve been wanting after all?

Never have I told this story. Never has anyone known except those who were close enough for me to tell. I was (and still is) a girl with faith. A huge faith but I lost the battle of pain. Too weak to be strong, I thought of the easiest way to be free. Wished something called Death could make them go away; the pain, the sufferings, grieves and sadness. I tried calling Death. I came close enough but someone out there must have loved me so much, I surrendered. After a whole day being in bed I got up and prayed. Prayed for forgiveness for being such a weak believer.

Days went by and within time, hope instilled bit by bit in me. I grew stronger as I could; not wanting to look back at those stupid mistakes I've made. HE loves Mom I supposed. HE probably doesn’t want Mother to suffer because HE knew she might not be able to go through another loss.

Death would sometimes wave at me. As if he’s coming close for a catch up since I hang up on him. Nevertheless, I keep walking away. Walking as far as I could, running as fast as I could, jumping as high as I could.

Is anybody listening? Will there be someone out there for me to reach out to? I doubt that. I’ll stand with my own two feet. Stand tall and sturdy. I have to otherwise I wouldn’t be who and where I am today.

I’ll keep smiling. A sincere smile to share with the world.

PS: Rest In Peace.

Those times.

At the rate I am right now, I won’t be able to finish the whole thing for my final paper. Even yesterday was quite disappointing, really. Anyways, about summer vacation… I hope everything will be settled soon because we’re leaving next week and I can’t believe how fast time flies!

Flight back to Malaysia, Mother said she’ll handle it for me. Thanks Mom! Malaysia, a part of me wants to be home and another just wants to stay here alone. But whatever it is, I hope this summer will be a different summer for me.

Oh right, the check up thingy. Urgh, as much as I want to be healthy again, I read somewhere that there are people out there living with costochondritis for 15 years! Imagine bearing the ache that long and besides, it comes and go and that’s the annoying part. There’s also a case where this patient was suggested to have her second left rib to be taken out but that would promote high risk of injury to the heart as now it has no bone protection over it. Scary isn’t it?

Talked to Nadie for a bit in the morning :) She can be reaaaaally annoying at times but I love her the most! Yeah, sometimes I get frustrated when she’s sort of sarcastically saying I’m being a bad daughter to Mom and Dad for not calling but that’s me I guess. Anyhow, I am trying… trying to be closer to them. Just be patient with me. I’ll get there…

I should be in the library now but I keep skipping my meals (which I never really realised that I did) so I shall have my lunch at home and ready for long hours of revision. It’s getting hotter here in Dublin even at 2 in the morning, where I’ll be walking back from library alone. Heee :D It is safe, if you’re brave enough. It really is to be honest. I’ve been walking back late at night ever since high school back in Malaysia; especially when it rained heavily. Walked through those dark ‘mini jungles’ where wild dogs might just appear in front of you or robbers would hide behind the bushes. You’ll never know. And so, I survived eventually… Even here in Dublin. Nothing to be proud of but girls should learn to be brave and independent. Mom used to say I don’t know how to do things but at least I don’t cry when I’m stranded somewhere unlike Nadie (HAHA, that funny story of her). Instead I walked back with my drenched school uniform from wherever I was right to the front door of my house. Happened all the time and I’m not sure how and why.

Anyways, let's pray that my friends and I can do well for Saturday. 

PS: I’m breathing again. Slowly.

hopelessly wretched day by day

For the past two hours or so, I’ve been staring at the cursor, blinking away and waiting for me to actually type something. What shall I talk about today? Exams? Mom, I might disappoint you again. I’m so sorry I keep doing this to you over and over again. Honestly, I wish you’re here right now. I never told you about me but I want you to be here to know what I’m going through. I’m scared I would end up crying helplessly in front of you but on the same time I’m just trying to be strong so you won’t see me being weak.

I’ve been up all night; partly so I could make sure my friends will be up early for their 8am papers and another because a lot of things have been running in my head. Stupid things I shouldn’t be thinking about actually. They’re just gonna kill me softly and deeply. I’ll see if I ever have the courage to tell the world about it. But anyways, I wonder am I such a worthless person? There must be something wrong with me, isn’t it? I’m seeing myself now as a pathetic, useless girl stuck in this world full of lies and sweet promises. Or was it just my eyes chose to see that way? Apparently Life has been playing games with my mind. Pushing me around like a toy when I’m clearly just a human being.

Do you really wanna know how strong I could be? Was this the reason why Life keeps testing me? What should I do to prove that I am strong? Keep smiling and laugh out loud? Yeah, I have been doing that but that doesn’t mean I don’t get hurt and feel sad. Life’s pushed me too far now that I’m breaking apart. I’m already all broken and hurting me to pieces will just be meaningless. I get tired too. I get tired all the time. Sometimes I too need someone to listen to me blabbering about my day. Or at least just be there quietly as I cry. But all they did was just talk, talk, talk, talk, and talk. People never really care about anyone, do they? Anyways, who am I again to feel angry about this. See, that’s why I said I’m being pathetic right now.

Mind’s not functioning properly lately. Just ignore whatever I just said up there. Rubbish piece.

Keeping it in

It’s ten past one in the morning. Though I could easily type in the numbers but honestly I’m just lazy. Two papers down and two more to go! Weehoo~  Did I mention Dad’s in Paris for a conference? What a life ey. I secretly wished Dad would come by Dublin to surprise me but I know that won’t happen even if I was to re-born. He happily texted me that he’ll take pictures of Eiffel tower and send me a postcard. LOL!

Oh Dad, I miss you :(

Anyway, exams went well so far although honestly speaking I have a high chance of repeating the papers. No seriously, Mom I really have tried my best. I know I did and I’m keeping my faith with God. He knows best.

Alhamdulillah my chondritis attacked me softly today. Even during the first day of exams but the cough came off pretty bad and I supposed it’s the weather. Otherwise, I’m perfectly fine except I’m sleep deprived. I have got to learn to do quiet breathing because it seems that coughing making me go breathless. Stupid cough, really.

It’s getting late and I should be sleeping but the evening nap I took turned out to be a 5 hours long of sleep! Well, that’s the maximum I could get at any rate. I missed gym hour, missed library session, missed going to the stationery shop to get highlighters and I missed dinner. After all that, I don't think I can fall asleep so easily again.

And so I should resume my reading now. A little homesick- not really but I just miss my siblings and I miss home.

PS: Shining as bright as you could, I hope.

Edginess inside.

Few hours left before my first paper and I’m nervous already. I don’t know if I have actually studied all the things I needed. Probably it’s the coffee effect taking in now; palpitations. Total hours of Cardiorespiratory paper for both MCQ and SNQ is about 6 hours. 120 MCQ questions in 3 hours; let alone SNQ.

Tried calling Mother but I think it’s the new maid who answered the phone. Well, I assume it’s the new maid otherwise who else could it be then? Frankly, I forgot that Mother mentioned to me before about having a new maid in the house. I bet baby brother is having the time of his life asking her around. *rolled eyes* Never going to grow up, is he? 

Hope Mother gets the message I sent her. Also, I will ask her about me going to Germany after my 3^rd paper which I’m prepared for the long ‘lectures’. Sorry Mother but all is booked!

I’m too nervous I can’t do anything now. I feel like watching Lee SeungGi’s The King 2 Hearts but I’ll end up feeling guilty.*whines*

I’m not myself now. Doing whatever I could to keep myself from fidgeting and trembling before noon. Maybe I should head to college early. Oh goddd, having twisted tummy now. This is baddddd.

Alright then! I shall grab few lecture notes and read (just so I would feel better for at least reading something) until I vomit. And hopefully not literally.

Will be in the library after. Or should I head home and sleep?

Finale

Here’s a quick update.

And so the day we all have been waiting for- Intermediate Cycle 1 final examination is commencing TOMORROW! A week of study leave has been surprisingly beneficial to me. I have actually amazed myself that I could sit down and study for hours. I even forgot to eat really. See, if only you push yourself you can definitely strive for what you have always wanted.  (And Mom, I’m really really really trying my best here.)

Em, what else? Oh, I made a new friend. She’s Ariel from Pennsylvania. Apparently she’s also in my year, which is a surprise since I have never actually seen her before. Not even once throughout my years in RCSI. But she’s a pleasant girl! We both practically stayed until the library closes every day. Almost everyday, since some days I was having discussion at Emily’s. And oh, discussion was great. I wish we would have it more often though and well I understand, it’s exam period and everyone is catching up with their studies. With that, thank you guys! Helped me a lot with my memorisation really. And Ryan too of course. *grins*

So, Monday will be on CardioRespi, Wednesday on BED, the following Monday would be on GI and Hepatology and the last day of ‘hell’ I shall say, will be held on SATURDAY! Yes, I got that right and rumour has it that RCSI is somehow famous on doing exams  during the weekend. Thank God we’re only having MCQ on OSCE for Pathology & Microbiology for that day. I’m sensing myself speaking more scientifically than a layman language now which is totally weird. Ha-ha.

After that, those late night walks, those random talks, those silly laughter, those quick glances, those melting smiles and those brown eyes,  will all be memories. Memories to kill me softly and slowly.

PS: Wish me luck! ;)

Happy Mother’s Day!

Fine points noticed.

Just so you know, I have at least another 9 days till my final examination begins. In the mean time, life has been pretty hectic; me falling sick, complicated feelings, heartaches and disappointment, of course not forgetting study matters. Can say that I handled them well enough except on one Friday night where everything was just beyond my patience. I couldn’t tell anyone because the truth is nobody cares anyway. And with that, I’m not going to tell about it here. Only one person knew how bad that night was, or probably some of them did hear too.

Oh, called mother last weekend. Dad’s already with Shazli in Moscow. Inshallah if everything goes well, he’ll be the 4^th doctor in the family! :) He probably won’t be the best doctor there is but I know he’s the best brother I’m proud of having. With all the struggles he went through, only God will reward him for his huge effort. That’s a reminder for me too. Mother has been telling me not to think about repeats and all but I can’t help not to. What happened once might just happen again and you can’t predict the future, can you?

All plans over the summer aren't going as planned. I am sure God must have better arrangement laid out for me then :) Going back to Malaysia this summer is something I definitely look forward to. One of the main reasons is so I could have a proper medical check-up. Thinks my sinusitis might have accumulated but still not showing any symptom like before although I do have facial pain at times. Also, I’m not surprised that my vision has gotten progressively bad. As well as my chondritis.

What’s up with the whole inflammation thing really? I’m worried if I actually at the risk of having brain abscess. It’s not impossible because before, I almost have it and that is also why it has affected my vision. I only wish and pray, if God were to take my life has it when I’m prostrating to Him.

On a different note, not too long ago I knew I broke someone’s heart. Someone I care for. Loved and lost. Yes. It hurts for a while but I’m doing it for the sake of God and so, the pain was tolerable. Wishing he’s doing well and have a better life in Australia. If you were meant for me, we will eventually find each other again. But if we’re not, I’ll go and look for you in Heaven :) Thanks for all the memories and the fights we’ve gone through. You have taught me billions of new things and instilled in me the confidence to go through life stronger than before. You are by far the person I will forever care for.

Lately, I kept having this weird feeling as if my days on Earth won’t be long now. Any minute I could leave my family and friends behind. Wonder will I be remembered? Probably not. I did nothing significant for them to be affected. Just like BIG D2B- most people must have forgotten about him and honestly, I almost…almost forgot about him too. I hate myself for that :(

However, I thank God for every minute that He gave me to breathe, every person He allowed me to meet, every problem He let me encountered, every pain He let me feels. The little details that people usually took for granted are the things I usually appreciate more.