remember you.

No, I have not forgotten about the 9th.
How long has it been again? Do you still look out for me or have you completely ignore the memories?

Sometimes, I wish you would come back and fight for the love we once shared. Sometimes, I wish you would ignore every other girl and have your eyes only on me. Sometimes, I wish you could hold me tight and promise to mend the broken promises. Sometimes, I wish I have the courage to tell you how I feel, how scared I was, how lonely it felt. But good things always come to an end.

For the first time ever, I looked forward to this date and wore the scarf you gave me before we both left our love unattended.

I miss you. Always will.

Twenty-two on the twenty-second.

I started feeling unwell on Sunday night. So I went to bed early and woke up with terrible headache and flu. On Monday morning, when I checked my facebook and twitter, they’re flooded with warm birthday wishes which got me after… ‘Oh, it’s already my birthday!’

Despite being rather ill, those birthday wishes turned out making me laugh and giggle. Some remembered my favourite color, favourite actress, favourite things, and many more. Things I would never expect people to notice and they did. I could never be more thankful to God who gave me people that love me for who I am. *grins*

The weekend before, I went to watch The Perks of Being a Wallflower and yes, I’ve finished the book!  It was a great movie but as always, the book is much better. Friends caught me laughing and smiling to myself everytime I’m reading the book. Haha! Did I mention Ezra Miller is such a cutie and Emma Watson is just so beautiful and Charlie is as amazing as the book says!

Anyways, I’m home resting and thus, typing this out. Doctor said it’s another virus that has been attacking me. As for right now, body immune is deteriorating and he asked me to stay home until I feel better. With that, it’s gym-free week then!

So they say this Friday will be our Eid Hajj. Wanna know something worse? I’ll be having my scrubbing session that morning. How great is that? Well, I might as well go to hospital when everyone isn’t. Hehe. That way, I don’t have to face people who I don’t wish to see. Yup, great plan!

Well, how have you been?

Have I been in your mind lately?

It’s okay.

It doesn’t matter anymore, does it?

.You’ve moved on and I’m still here with my heart shattered

 ^_________^      ~La la la la la

After all, it could be a dream.

Everyday, the reality hits in and sometimes it feels like it was all a dream. Just like how it happened in Queen In Hyun’s Man; a Korean drama I’m watching currently.

Maybe what happened last semester was just a long nice dream I had in maybe an hour sleep. Because when I woke up, things are different now. So different that I couldn’t make sense of what had happened before. I guess I must have been dreaming about him.

그래 그럼… 다 꿈이잖아…

아아아아아… 근데…

난 네가 보고싶었어…

The unsent.

Dear whoever that’s in my head right now,

I don’t know what’s going on and it somewhat kills me inside out. I’d rather have you say whatever that you wanted and get it done with because well, I’m not you and as for me, I cared. Time changes people I know and if it has changed you let me know. The least I could do is never to appear in front of you anymore. I’ll make things easier for sure. Protecting you is what I’m doing now even if you don’t want me to.

I wanted to give up on this thought but I wouldn’t want to give up on you just yet. Honestly, I’m scared. So very scared that I closed the door to my heart tight until you came with the key. Slowly, I’m opening up to you yet I’m still scared. I am a coward. I admit that. But I know I’m brave enough to face the future. Embrace it and accept it.

Incidentally, I’m giving more time for you. And when you’re ready, run up to me. Run towards the end of the tunnel and I’ll be waiting there with a smile. No matter what the ending’s gonna be, I’ll wait for the truth; even if it’s bitter to swallow. I’ll wait.

Waiting with my shadow,

Savannah.

finally calamity.

Good morning all.

It’s Monday and I feel happier Alhamdulillah! Last weekend was so terrible emotionally that I couldn’t be myself. At times like this, food is your very best friend seriously. However, I’m starting gym again today which I so look forward to and “just keep running, just keep running” will be the mantra of the day.

It’s 4A.M here in Dublin and I planned to study but I happened to sit infront of the laptop so I thought I might just blog for a bit. Might just make this a routine kind of thing. Might.

Girl friends are planning to go to Cardiff for a birthday celebration. The thing is… how do I decline such invitation? Urgh, I am soooo bad at saying “No, I don’t think I can go” Instead I’ll just say, “Okay, yea sure” all the time!!! Maybe just have to get it out straight or I might ruin everyone’s weekend which I have never intended to. This is tough. Really.

Okay, put that aside, I’m gonna get back to my notes and study just like how everyone else studies but I’m not that hardcore. Though I wish I could be like Charlie (from the Perks) and read everyday but I’m not him and I will never be him. And that’s just so sad. Not being him I mean.

Okay, done wasting your precious time. 

Sorry.

Might just be my last night.

Almost everyday I’ve been haunted by nightmares. Just that I don’t really tell anyone about them. The one that scares me the most was a dream where there was this old man who told me that if I shut my eyes, the percentage of me waking up is fifty percent. If you don’t get what I just typed out, it means if I shut my eyes and when I wake up its either I see darkness or something bright like the sun, which then means that I’m alive.

The next thing I know, I woke up crying. Heavily. I couldn’t imagine waking up and not seeing the sun anymore. Not seeing anybody anymore. I couldn’t imagine being dead even; especially in your sleep. I wonder what will be my last thought before I fall asleep. Who do I think off before I doze off? Who will actually want to see me the next day? Who will I want to see the next day?

So here I am, typing this before I go to sleep. Before I shut my eyes. Before I ever wake up the next morning. Before everything ends. Before I could say ‘I have fallen for you’. Before God takes me away from Earth.

*tear drops*

Autumn in my heart.

Ohaiyou Gozaimasu! Or, Good Morning!

Second day of class and my first day in the gym! All is well and apparently coughing while running didn’t occur that much. Not as much as I sat down and studying. It’s pretty annoying the fact that in order not to disturb others, I had to like stop myself from coughing or cough slowly and quietly which only worsen after.

Anyways, feeling slightly off even after running which shouldn’t happen this way. I’d normally feel better but I supposed the adrenaline rush isn’t working. Yet. 

I have no idea why or how or even what makes me feel like this. Probably it’s the M-syndrome. Honestly, being a lady is as difficult as it is being a man. In every way there is.

Well, I was supposed to type about something completely different. Guess it wasn’t meant for me to tell the world about it- involves everyone. So don’t worry. Yes, you’re included because you’re a human with feelings; complicated ones.

Btw, internet hasn’t got in my new house and it’s unattractively pissing me off.

Will post up more soon. Counting my days to leave this horrible place at last. For good! Insha Allah.

Les Trois Mousquetaires- well, without the muskets.

The reason I spent my summer in Europe was because I had to reseat my papers. They’re a huge chunk of info needed to reread all over again and imagine the stress level. Apparently, I don’t work so well when I’m compromised. Honestly, I remembered going off for a holiday in Egypt for two weeks before my end-term examination and I scored well!

And so during my reseats, I watched tens of movies and Korean dramas (since they are my favourite anyways). Little that I know, I was attacked with anaphylaxis; allergy reaction, rashes, conjunctivitis and since I’ve been having it- sinusitis. One of my nightmare to have this attack a day before my first paper. Thought of letting it go and just bear the fact that I will repeat year instead. Lucky thing my sister was with me and she morally supported me to go ahead with the exams. And I did.

It was pretty stressful with me having all sorts of illness and having to revise and exam pressure add on with friends bugging me to find a house and sister being rather annoying also having to decide the schedule for our summer trip; man, I don’t know how I went through that seriously. All is well now.

A day after my last paper, Nadie and I went down to London and met up with my brother there. The first 4 days were spent going around London and sunbathing in Hyde Park. Sister went back to the hospital where she was born at and yeah, around that was the time I had a minor quarrel with my brother. Since I’m the ‘good girl’ and he wanted to go to Manchester badly, I booked a train and off we go and see the red devils! The only annoying thing is I didn’t get to buy a single thing; not even a shirt! Grrr!

After heading back to London, I stayed up at night to pack our things like food and more food to Paris and Amsterdam. We took a train to Paris and arrived at the hotel around midnight. Luck wasn’t in our way when the hotel didn’t let us check in. So we had to wait at the lobby for about 11 hours before we could get our room and I have no idea who wanted us to travel at night. Anyways, I’ve  gotten ill out of nowhere but managed to wonder around the Musee de Louvre, the Opera House and more buildings. Oh have I mentioned? We came across a pair of French twins- tall and oh so good looking!

The following day, head up to Disneyland and then Eiffel Tower. The day after we went to other places and again, Eiffel Tower and the last day before we leave for Amsterdam, we spend the whole day at Eiffel Tower taking madness amount of pictures with crazy stupid stunts and poses.

In Amsterdam, we got on the Hop On Hop Off bus tour and the river cruise. More pictures and more crazy stupid stunts. And more jokes were told throughout the journey. By the way, the doner kebabs are awesome though I think Germany’s are better.

Once back in London, both my sister and brother decided to drag me to Ikea and I was thinking the whole time why the heck am I here when I can be at home sleeping after the long travelling? *sigh*

The next day, we took a coach up to Cambridge and experienced punting. Thanks to our punting guide, Tim who told us remarkable stories about the universities and we counted the bridges together! Haha!

Last but not least, we head back to Dublin by ferry. A big ferry! But I had motion sickness so I ended up at the deck all alone looking down to the waves smashing the body of the ship accompanied by strong sea breeze and ended up shaking and shivering.

 It was pretty much an amazing trip and the only transportation that we haven’t got on is the helicopter.

And so, I’m stuck in my room reminiscing those up and down moments with my sister and brother. It is definitely one of the best!

PS: By the way, I passed all my papers! 6 months to go before I come back for good!

October!

First day of October. First day of semester. First day of Autumn. Now, who's gonna be the first to make me happy? Or rather... annoyed? Haha!

Anyways, I'm off to hospital soon. It's too much work to keep track of the bus time to catch them otherwise I'll simply walk in leisure without worrying about lectures. Now that's not good but oh well.

Housemate's getting ready to leave. Yes, this early! Gonna leave after I have my breakfast and warm water with honey in it! Should really relieve the cough seriously!

Till here then.
How are you by the way?

cough. and more coughing.

Hey,
I'm back in Dublin to proceed with my semester. Will update a.s.a.p!

In the mean time, I've been coughing for almost 3 weeks now. And no sign of wearing off  :(


PS: I have you crossing my mind everyday, everywhere now. Do you do the same? :(

buhbye now.

It's been 5 days staying in  London and today happened to be one of the worst.
Oh hell! Brother only knows to use his fist in order to get things right. Well, apparently fists don't go so well with me and heck no will they correct my attitude.

Hate the fact I have more weeks to go and facing him would be the waste of my time!

Argh! Fucking annoying.

Ho ho ho holidayssss~

Im off for a trip. Need to shut out the rest of the world before taking in the reality that hits me.

Take care peeps. (LOL! As if anyone really reads this shit.)

Inflamed self.

Morning from Dublin!

So, I woke up with conjunctivitis on my left eye. Began with a sty but it happened to be severely infected I think. While yesterday, I woke up with pain behind the angle of mandible. Trying so hard to just ignore them as I’ll be having my exams today. Without any break in between.

Nice.

Flu hasn’t fade out even after pills of antihistamine. Oh, some kind of rash develop on both my arms. Looks like it’s due to an allergy reaction but I couldn’t think of any that I’m allergic to.

Gahhhh!

So many things are running in and out of my mind. Lucky thing I’ve booked my flight to London early. But other places haven’t! *tears
With my condition, staring at the laptop can be painful… and my eyes became watery easily. Feels like I’m in Form 1. That was the time where I was diagnosed to have sinusitis which if I was late by a day for admission, I’d be blind.

Though I came back having slight inflammation on my left  maxillary sinus, the doctor said I’ll be fine with nasal spray and antihistamine. Oh well, Allah knows best.

Oh and you… nevermind.

Masihkah dirimu mencintaiku?

Few months ago ‘We’ turned into just ‘You’ and ‘I’. I guess I wasn’t that quick to fall in love again, unlike you. Well, maybe ours wasn’t love at all?

Uh-oh. I’m back at reminiscing ‘us’.

Thought I could live on without our memories but they came when I least expect them. Little things like colors (since questioning you about color can be very amusing), animals (squirrel and tiger), gestures (the way you taught me to tear off the noodle sachet), random words we invented together, your different kind of smiles (caught myself smiling at that!) and many more.

Even rainy weather brought back memories during high school. *sigh I’m such a sucker at being romantic especially at times like this. I shall blame you. I want to. Because you showed me love like nobody else did.

  

Okay, you should go and be lovey dovey with your beloved now. Enough of me already. LOL!

Stealing as much time as I could!

I have wanted to write again but I supposed time has been envying me and keeping me occupied with other things.

I left Dad’s place three days before Eid. The thing I miss most was praying together with mom, sisters and brothers with my baby brother as the imam. Packing for both Eid and Dublin can be really exhausting; deciding which to be used during the first day of Syawal and keep the rest locked in huge luggages. Thank God it was all done almost perfectly.  With my sister coming along with me back to Dublin, we get to bring 40kg each! Ain’t that awesome? I don’t know how Mom got it but I supposed the agent company was having a summer promo.

The last day of fasting was pretty much challenging. Apparently the men weren’t anywhere to be seen to help out with the loads outside in order to prepare for the big day. So, Mom asked me to help carrying heavy loads, tables, chairs, woods, etc. I happened to be the only girl outside while my sisters, aunts and cousin sisters were all in the kitchen preparing food. I shall say I’m not a fan of the kitchen when everyone is there in a small room. I mean, I hate knocking into each other and having to make the room crowded.  

Anyways, soon after I’ve done carrying heavy loads I thought I might have a couple of hours till breaking fast time. Somehow being at my kampong proves that time passes really slow. Slower than a snail! It was really really challenging and ‘I want 100plus’ became my mantra for the rest of the hours before sunset. *laughs*

Few days after Eid, my sister and I finally flew to Dublin! One awesome incident happened was after our two hours transit in Dubai, I found out that I got myself a seat at the business class section! Apparently, our flight booking wasn’t done together and probably that’s how I ended up being in business class. Hmmm…  Well, I thought of exchanging it with my sister but since the ticket has my name written on it, I can’t.

I have to say, being there in the business class got me sooo awkward. They kept coming to me offering champagne and juices. Food is given like every time! And I couldn’t sleep well because they kept waking me up. Urgh! Yes, it’s more spacious and comfortable but it’s too comfortable and it felt very uneasy for me. I was actually worrying about my sister because from the previous flight we missed our meal and ended up starving till we touchdown on Dubai.

We arrived safely in Dublin and the weather has been rather perfect. For a few days of course! *wink* 

Have a nice holiday and happy getting back to a new semester to all! 

silent rebel.

I’m sick and tired of all these torturing. It’s already stressful enough to not be where I wanted to be at and now you’re even making it harder for me to leave. Why the fuck should I even listen at the first plac?

Worst summer ever.

Maybe you should have aborted me 21 years ago.

I know I’m your biggest regret. 

running till you see none.

It was only for two days that I stayed away from (almost) everyone. Well, at least I’m emotionally stabilised now. I must have sounded stupid to you, haven’t I? I guess that’s just being me. One silly human being and should I apologise for being me, then?

Anyways, I’m up watching the Olympics! Only the decathlon of course. Other sports aren’t my interest much. How I wish I’m into running still. Sprinting was my best during school years but deteriorating soon after I left for college. That feeling you get while running your heart out. You get to hear your feet pushing the earth for momentum and feel each one of your muscle tensed in such a speed. Even your heartbeat sounded louder than the cheering. And finally you passed through the finish line then only you learned to breathe properly.

Good old days they were.

Forbidden kind.

Tiger, what is love to you? Maybe what you’re going through is love. Dahaeng ineyo. You’re so much happier than before. She brought you light that brighten up your days and nights.

What is love to me? Love is you. Love is when you walked me home with your cap on and eating McFlurry. Love is when you read through me. Love is when you stared straight into my eyes. Love is when you talked to me when you’re sleepy. Love is when you delivered double cheeseburger personally for me. Love is when you sang ‘Twinkle twinkle little star’. Love is April 4^th. Love is Teddy. Love is Greeny and Orangey. Love is when you smiled and melted my heart. Love is when you made funny faces on Skype. Love is when you called me ‘Good morning’. Love is when you spoke in your squeaky voice. Love was the whole of 4 years together.

But our kind is a forbidden love. No pictures, no letters, no messages, nothing could be kept except memories we made. And with those memories left will I remember for the rest of my life. I won’t forget. I don’t want to forget. Those time when you gave me a taste of pure love. The kind that absorbed through your skin and ran in your veins; giving warmth even in the coldest night.

Seeing you happy, I thought I could be too. I tried and tried and tried but failed and falling apart. I don’t know how to love anymore. A friend asked me if I love this guy who caught my attention before. I said… I don’t know what love is anymore. I’d probably like him but never love because he’s not you. No one will ever be the love that I’ve had. No one will ever be you.

I may sound ridiculous to you. You might even get tired of me being like this but I’ll never get tired of running through the memories we had before. Because those memories reminded me of what love truly means. Without them, I don’t know what love is. I don’t know how love feels, how it tastes, how it grew in me, how it hurts me inside out.

Tiger, were you happy? 

home home home, this weekend!

I honestly have no idea what to write really. The things I wanted to share are probably not worth writing them here.

Oh maybe one thing I could. Finally, Dad decided to head up to Kuala Lumpur on Saturday which means I’m missing my high school gathering then. Sorry girls, Inshallah there will always be next time.

And this coming Sunday is perhaps one of Shazli’s biggest day ever! His convocation and officially a ‘Doctor’. Yay! I am definitely proud and happy for him after all he has gone through. Congratulations!

PS: It’s killing me that I haven’t seen my second brother and my second sister ever since they’re back in Malaysia for summer. 

Surreally real.

Dad brought me out to have iftar at the hotel next door. Food was all good! I had a taste of the seafood section; prawns, squids, dori fillet and mixed veggie made the perfect dish tonight. Different kind of cakes and fruits are available for desserts. Different type of drinks are served for the guests. There are other variety of food; Dad's favourites like the lamb, chicken, beef etc.

I ended quite early with my food. The adults were obviously chitchattering about the news, work and so on. So, while I was scanning the ballroom, my eyes fell on two lovely little girls and their father. He looked Chinese but with excellent Malay language.

As I looked at the three of them entertaining each other, it crossed my mind...
'Is that how Dad was with me and my sister when we were younger?'

Then it hit me; Dad has been away since I turned one year old. I have only seen him at least 3 times every months. But the number decreased as the years passed by; sometimes only once in three months. Compared to how the father I was talking about and Dad, did he play with me like the father did to his little girls? As far as I know, I believe I spent the least time with Dad than the rest of my brothers and sisters. I'd probably say I somewhat envy those girls for having such a father. I mean, I love my Dad. Endlessly. But my childhood felt empty in a way. I don't have a solid memory of me with Dad and that saddens me a little.

Then I saw something; the future...
'Is that how he will be like with my daughters, if I have any?'

He referring to Marc, the ex boyfriend. We did talk about marriage and having kids; baby boy, baby girl, twins, living together in South Korea or something like that. Looked so vivid to me when I saw the father and his little girls. Well, those were the days we thought that might happen. Might. At least the father looked happy and laughing around playing with his kids.

I noticed I smiled to myself wishing how lovely it would be.






Wish I could spin the globe and make the world a better place to stay.

Derimmhhh. Oh, I meant dream.

Watta DREAM!
Twice. Twice. Twice.

And definitely when I thought less. Seems surreal. Well, of course it is! But weird enough as if they're trying to tell me something. Meh, wish Leonardo DiCap could explain to me :) *Ah, dream guy!*




Come again please :) Promise I won't in real life.

Random Random Random

Was reading this random blog and it got me thinking... 'Ah, this person has a personality.' *smiles* But who am I to judge, right?

Yes, like every other social network, I will somehow let you, the world, know what I'm doing, what I did, what I'm thinking yada yada yada. Love me or hate me? *evil laughter* Oh wait, I haven't told you yet! Well, proudly I did abit of running today! (Yay me!) Me bragging? Probably, if you think so. But I'm not you and I can never stop what you're thinking. Sooooo... =/

Anyways, what I wrote above does not make any sense to you, am I right? It doesn't to me so if it does to you then... erh. *strange look* Wait, mind has definitely gone haywired. Sorry!

Oh how fast the time passed. Day 4 Ramadhan and few hours to iftar time! Woohoo~ Dad said we're having iftar at a hotel. Buffet I supposed.
Him and food is like me and Emma. Except you can't eat human.

Haven't been home for two weeks. Thought I was dying here alone. Almost. No, I'm serious. The next time I'm home I'm staying on my castle (which is actually my bed. It's my favorite.) forever! Not a single step out unless the nature calls. He He.

Suppose Dad gonna be home any minute now. I hate food. I literally hate it. And no, I didn't mean my Dad.






Lemme stay for Eid pleaseeeee! :( Just for the portrait pictures' sake :p

Then again, being away is good too :)

Only a human.

It's the first night of terawikh for the month of Ramadhan. It also means the first time not being able to perform terawikh with my family. Though I wish I could be in KL atleast by tonight but Dad's too tired to drive down. I don't blame him though; he was oncall yesterday.

Ramadhan, definitely a good month to begin a good routine. With the help of Allah, I would like to add-in more surah for my hafazan; haven't done the murajaah for quite awhile now. Also, increase more pages in reciting the Koran everyday and read a book of hadith. Inshallah.

One good thing about having hormone imbalance is that Alhamdulillah I had atleast 5 years of full Ramadhan plus the 6days fast in Syawal. With hope this year too inshallah.

Anyways, Dad wants me to go back to Dublin early though I wish I could stay for Eid. I actually dont mind either. Fasting in Dublin would be nice! The long hours before you can have your iftar will make you appreciate hunger. It is only for about 18 hours but imagine those without food or water for days. So kids, please don't waste your food and don't be greedy too. Give sadaqah or infaq fisabilillah and Allah will return the reward in ways you can never predict!

So let's change for the better shall we? Inshallah with Allah's permission and His mercy we shall :)

Long way.

Come to think about it, every person I met have always made their way into my heart. Even when I least fancy a person but somewhere in me would have given them a tiny bit of space. Probably the size of the smallest pixel ever discovered.

Funny, how I never did make it to their hearts instead. Not that I want to but I wish at least there is a space for me to be who I am around them. It’s terrifying when the person who you thought you’re comfortable with actually trying so hard to push you far away than you can imagined.

I’ve encountered it many times; should probably get used to it but I keep failing at pushing them away. Even with a drop of kindness, my heart opens up to them like the wideness of an ocean. Someone used to tell me to learn to say ‘No’. And every time I did, I could feel my heart dropped. Thinking if I were to be in the other person’s shoes and getting that sort of response, I’d be feeling rather upset and disappointed. That’s why I'll be alright if it hurts me for a bit.

After all bad things won’t last forever, will they? 

Oh simple thing.

Where I wish I am right now?

At the KLIA. Fetching both my 2^nd brother and 2^nd sister!

Sadly I’m only home on Friday night and it’s gonna be the first night of Ramadhan. Weee~ Can’t wait for iftar with the whole Shahroms. 

PS: Why don't we go... somewhere only we know?

Hopes, fears and all together.

I’m currently 8 floors above the ground or maybe more. But for now let’s stick to 8 floors above. I feel safer that way. Shall I describe the view in front of me?

 I’m seeing the straits with a fishing boat slowly (it looked slow to me) breaking through the waves. A large chunk of Earth can be seen about 400m away from where I am and I’m guessing more developments will grow in the next couple of years. Three cream-painted condominiums handsomely standing still behind the greenery; I bet the tenants there could even see Singapore up-close. The best thing is I could see the clouds deliciously shaped into cotton candies and swayed along by the wind. Subhan Allah.

It’s rather quiet at the moment. Well, it was pretty chaotic some time ago since there was a sports event going on in a primary school nearby. Those days when sports day was a day to look forward to; a day where best friends turned into enemies, if you happened not to be in the same squad. By the end of the day, winner or loser didn’t matter because what matter was we all had fun. Then again, the winner will always have her way out to brag about the medals. Kids. *shakes head*

So I guess, I’m no more a kid. No, not as in baby goat but a kid as in a child. (Get the joke? Probably not.) Anyways, I’m thinking of ways to change my fate. Going through what I’ve been through, I have never been so eager to leave all these behind and take a different highway. I want to be ordinary because being extraordinary is too mainstream. It might not be fair, to say that I’m taking other people’s place if I’m no longer interested. You see, why keep seeing from people’s perspective when you’re the one who went through all the trouble to be where you are now? Probably this is a dead end. Unless you break through the ‘wall’, you’re just gonna stuck there since turning back might not be a good idea after all. And while you’re breaking it let’s just hope that there won’t be another wall.

I wouldn’t mind if I’m in a ‘maze’ instead because though you might not be able to find a way out but you know you will eventually find something towards the end. Provided what you find wouldn’t be a portkey which will lead you to Lord Voldemort and witnessing Cedric’s death. (Oh no, I’m fictioning! And also sobbing for his death *cries*) Also, if you don’t read or watch Harry Potter then you won’t get what I wrote above. Hint: It’s a scene from Goblet of Fire. The 4^th book, remember? The part where… oh, nevermind.

I’m lacking of inspiration.

On a different note, I hope the coming Ramadhan will somehow clean me up! I have always always love Ramadhan than that of Eid Fitri. And with that…

… Happy Ramadhan to my muslim brothers and sisters! 

color me white.

once again it was mentioned and my mind went blank like a white A4 paper.

kept coming across places you brought me for our dates. honestly speaking, i think im not over you yet when clearly i should.

even after all these, i keep having this tiny bit of hope.
hope that...




nevermind.



PS: restating the truth got me out of the norm. disappearing soon.

July 9th

Just so you know, I still remember today five years ago.
You're in my head the whole day.
Even in my dreams.





Thank you for the happiness.

virtual family time.

Skyping with Mom, Abg Shazli and Kak Nadie since 2am just made my day! Mom’s been away for almost 10 days and I miss her already. So many stories were shared and laughters broke the silent cold night.

I can’t wait for full house and having breakfast or dinner together with the whole members inshallah. *grins*

More good news to come!

PS: You surprised me actually. Like big time!

zoned out.

Didn’t I tell you before; I’d usually lose my focus while driving. So many things have been running in and out of my head. Recalculating days, hours, seconds; why it happened the way it did. Questions I would question myself and thinking if there would be other answers I’m looking for or I should get. The struggle, the pain I went through was nothing compared to this numb-like feeling.

I guess I was never good enough for anyone, for anything. I’m always the other girl, the one who doesn’t matter. The one people would pass by and never noticed. 

Well, that is what life is about. Obstacles, heartbreaks, betrayal; things that pushed me down feet under.  Sometimes, a hand I could reach out to is all I could ask for.

And I keep grasping air. 

A tough day today.

As if I was walking down the memory lane; the very beginning as I stepped out of the house to head to a place we used to go every time I’m home. As if I was walking to meet you but when I came across the bridge I saw nobody was waiting for me, like you used to.

I would come close to you and your scent lingered around me. That smile as I walked towards you. I would run if I could but I had my heels on most of the time and you liked it that way. I wouldn’t smile at first but when we walked side by side; my heart skipped few beats, as if it was normal to do so.

Felt a little odd, walking in the bookstore without you waiting inside.

I would find you between the shelves. One day, with a flower in your hand. Another day, with an ice-cream. We would roam around speaking in languages only we could understand and communicate. You standing tall gave me a secured feeling by your side.

Went in the shoes store; no one was sitting, waiting for me to choose my favourite.

You came wearing my favourite attire. I smiled secretly. Patiently, you waited when I know you needed to go. Wish you didn’t have to. Wish I could hold your hands and never let go. But I did.

Wanted to get myself an ice-cream but I guess I wasn’t ready to see those seats where they were once our favourite spots.

Breakfast with a secret minty box as a present. Vain pictures of ourselves. Porridge and apple pies. Oh, too many to list.

Even as I walked back home, there are no more goodbyes.

I got used to look forward to your text messages or phone calls but there will be none anymore.

A happy song felt so sad cuz the past came crawling in. I supposed I was happy back then. Thank you.

anger anger anger.

Howdy? Enjoying summer? At least I know I am. *grins*

Watching over baby Salahuddin has been rather enjoyable and challenging at the same time. He loves sleeping on my shoulder and that makes him love his emu (mom’s sister) more!!!

***

I couldn’t think of what else to write yesterday so I watched a Korean drama “A Gentleman’s Dignity” in hope that I could get some ideas on what to write about. But then, I fell asleep.

Mom’s gonna be away for a while and I will have to take charge of the house. For some, they might be thinking “Ah, mommy’s not at home. I can go in and out of the house at my own wish.” For me, “Ah, mommy’s not at home. I’m doomed!” I have absolute no idea what to do since I’m only home for 2 weeks. Brother kept asking me for his freaking bag and how am I supposed to know when I wasn’t home for at least a year. So many changes in the house, so many things and so many people living in it and you expect me to know where you put your freaking bag, you selfish doc!

*Ah, don’t mind the anger. I’m trying my best not to get angry and cursing all night*

And sister wanted me to go to Kelantan for a short vacay this weekend. Of course I would love to but I have things to handle and you may think it’s easy to just let other stranger take over the house. Hell no! I have had enough of strangers coming in and out of the house, taking advantages over the comfort and all. Thinking it was okay for them to eat the food in the house, stay in the rooms and use the things in the house. Uwahhhhh! I am particular of those things. If you’re a guest, be a freaking guest and mind your bloody manners! I’m as the host of course will have my manners too but once you crossed the line, trust me you won’t want to see my face.

Then again…

Oh I’m late for class already. Tata!

keeping good i hope.

2 weeks.

“2 weeks; that’s all it took for me to fall in love with you”-Savannah, Dear John

Nah, wasn’t talking about that. 2 weeks and that’s how long I’ve been home already. Little that I realise; I wanted to see you again. Or maybe just see you from far, see you happy and healthy. Well, I hope you are.

July’s coming soon and I supposed you’ve forgotten about it, have you? But all is good now and I’m sure you’re happier than before.

Just thought… if you wanted to see me I would love to catch up on you again. 

Only if you don’t mind.

Terlalu lama.

Sampai kapan hati ini akan begini

Harungi segala duka and duri

Sampai kapan senyumnya terukir

Menghilangkan rasa dipinggir

Menghilangkan rasa ini.

Hati… jangan kau derita lagi

Jangan kau tabahkan diri

Untuk jasad yang akan jatuh

Terlalu lama berjalan jauh

Terlalu lama berdiri teguh.

Suatu hari akan kau ketawa

Hatikan gembira semula

Suatu hari itu akan datang

Bawakan cahya bersinar

Menerangi yang pudar.

First impression.

It’s almost 4 in the morning and I can’t seem to fall asleep. I guess jetlag has now kicking in and hope it will be gone soon before Mommy starts scolding me for getting up by noon. Gave my first impression after arriving that I woke up before she did but now that body’s still adapting to the circadian cycle, she might not be very happy about it.

First impression.

It’s really hard to tell a person from their first appearance. You’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, aren’t you? But why then do people always do that? And most of the time it always ended as a bad result.

I can definitely say most people that I met have always left me with fine sensation even though they ended up being the jerkiest lads you’ve ever met. Usually when I was first introduced to, usually a friend’s friend, I would normally be as nice as I could and dropping tiny bits of flaw there are within me. True colour must always be shown so at least the ‘new’ person will have a clue of what kind of person I am. I’d probably gave a pretty bad impression to people but honestly, never would I ever judge someone before knowing or at least heard or seen for myself the appalling deeds he or she had done.

It’s not fair, isn’t it? How easy they put labels on you and hence making the hatred built up inside.

“Oh, she’s too English.”

“She doesn’t know how to speak Malay!”

“She’s a private student; must be from a rich family.”

 “What’s with the thick eye lines?”

“Too socialise.”

“Too high class, I can’t keep up.”

Believe it or not, those were some of the ‘labels’ labelled on me. There are more cruel ones but I’ll leave them behind.

First impression.

I’ll give an example when I first met my dear Jian. A Chinese boy introduced by a friend. He’s kinda cute and friendly. Quiet and speaks very little with me. It doesn’t help at first since we’re both shy but by the end of the day we ended up talking about Korean dramas and anime happily and loudly. We would chat on Live Messenger and tadaa… we are really good friends now (and he’s the only person who would still call me ‘sayang’ for no valid reason!).

“What a pretty smile!”

“Very bubbly she is!”

“I love her eyes!”

“He’s so considerate!”

“Such a gentleman ;)”

“He’s…tall!”

“Too cute!!!”

“What a nice man :)”

Yup, those were MY kind of first impression towards others. Honest and true and I’m not making up stories.

But keep in mind that people change and somehow you wish they wouldn’t from what they were when you first met them. It makes you want to turn time around so you could at least feel the comfort and their warmth again.  

I’m not saying I’m perfect or the nicest person on Earth. What I’m trying to say is just be nice to others, think nice of others and stop judging all the time. it’s really annoying and hurtful in many ways.

PS: You could save a life by just shutting up your mouth and keep your mind blank.

Welcome home.

Malaysia oh... no wait, scratch that.

Ampang, oh tanah airku~ 

Finally home sweet home bitchezzz~ Arrived on Friday evening and when my eyes laid on baby Salahuddin I think my heart literally skipped a beat! He's utterly beyond cuteness of all babies! Nicely having him wrapped in my arms (awkwardly) he giggled and smiled when I played with him. Oh, heaven!

Unlike last year when I came back for summer break, I couldn't eat oily food and stuff like that but Alhamdulillah, the following morning I had nasi goreng with nugget(!!!) and roti canai(!!!!!!). Hisham came back from his Cardio Course and brought me and Ikmal out for early supper. We had what they called- Burger Bakar somewhere in Wangsa Maju. I'm not a fan of burgers but that burger was alright. Just, I can't really open my mouth big enough to fit it in. :(  I took a layer of beef patty with cheese. The other types aren't my kind of burger. Oh well.

Sunday morning, woke up early for Hadith class and had NASI LEMAK (weii!!!) for breakfast. I dare say it's been 2 freakin' years since my last nasi lemak. 

Apparently, jetlag hasn't been bothering me much. Been sleeping at about 12am or at most 3am but I would still wake up at 5 or 6am for Fajr prayers did stretches before heading downstairs for breakfast. 

Haven't been to Ampang Point even :( let alone KLCC or Pavilion. 

But anyways, I'll keep updating my summer break I hope. Forseeing busy schedule whatnot with mommy and daddy are gonna be outstation soon.

Fire of boldness.

So it was finally said; the words I’ve been holding in. Felt like a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders. Just wanted it to be known and that’s it. I’m taking it alright but I have absolute no idea where the courage came from. *smiles*

『처음 널 만났을때, 우린 웃으면 인사했어요. 처음에는 내 가슴이 떨고있었어요. 내마음이 나도 모르겠어. 언제 부터 내가 너를 빠졌죠? 조금씩 더 , 나는 가까이다가서. 수없이 내맘이 나를 미치게. 하지만 지금 괜찮아요. 너의 이름 너의 추억 다 기억할게요. 고마워요 친구야 그동안 나는 행복하기도하고 너 때문에.』

***

I was down with fever since yesterday morning. But I had to go and get the shopping done because after that I’m staying in till the day I fly to Malaysia. I know I have a lot to do; clean my room, pack my bags, arrange my closet, stack up the books, but with this fever and random attacks at my rib-sternum and rib-spine joints and now my left shoulder (still hurts now and then) I can’t really get things on time. I guess as long as I’m breathing, this chondritis will make its way throughout the whole body and I’m not surprised if that happens.

Just something I’ve been wondering, have I changed? But I don’t know who to ask to. People I’m surrounded with have constantly changed. Many have walked out, few stayed but farther than where I am. Even those who are close enough distant themselves.

I keep telling myself, it’s all going to be alright. It’s not the end yet because the end is the eternity life I shall encounter if not now, soon enough. I care about others too much that sometimes I forgot that I’m actually a person too; a girl with feelings. Wonder why didn’t I care about mine first? I’m no different than the others. Why didn’t I make myself a priority? Honestly, I don’t know either. I never thought of it. All I know is as long as they are happy I’ll be fine. As long as I’m the one who get hurt and not them, I’ll be fine.

PS: 잊지 말아요.

Spiral of existence.

Years back when I had to write an English essay on life, I quoted Kurt Cobain’s ‘The finest day I ever had was when tomorrow never came.’ At the very moment where the meaning of the quote was so deep and strongly planted in me. A simple quote that somewhat gave me another meaning-  I’m disturbed.

When was I? 13 years old and I’m thinking about death. Even Islam taught you that death doesn’t matter of age. When my English teacher read the essay, he had to see me. I was absent for two weeks and by the time I came back, we had a very profound conversation about it. Silly young me, never thought people would actually care. But when he did, I felt as if he’s the angel, my guardian angel. Obviously, he started off by correcting my grammar then he asked about my family and finally about me. Quietly listening to what I have to say, he was there as a friend. Comfort me with his calm eyes; slowly I opened up on death. How I came close to it, my view of it, my longing for it.

Just when I tried giving up on people, whether they are family or friends, he came to my rescue. It’s probably ridiculous but he cared. Someone, a stranger, a teacher even, cared. And that’s all it takes. Care about others and you might save a life.

For once I thought life will be better. Because of people like him, I strive to the battle field. Fighting for love you may say. But after repeated battleships, you tend to outgrow the fight. Greed and power conquered. Love slowly fades. You grew thicker and devilish. Hunger for more bloodshed for your own desire. It’s disgusting when you think through. The person, no, the kind of puppet you’ve became. Drowned by the world’s need. Friends, at first you thought, ended up becoming your known enemies. Blinded and fooled.

Sparks of hope and trust are what I need but repeatedly failed at getting them.

Has it come the time for me to see tomorrow?

Confused mind after all.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Things that matter, things that don’t, things that not worth my attention, things that bothered me, things that I wish would happen and things that are probably useless but I can’t help not to think about them.

It’s rather amazing how your mind works. The words were to put into a sentence; plays a big role in portraying one self. A word or probably a sentence might just lash out the whole perception on someone. *sigh*

Isn’t it scary? Human?

What the mind thinks you will never know; judging from one’s action may somewhat describe what and how a person is. Then again, bias came in. In the end, there’s no definite conclusion as the world keeps revolving, people keep changing. Forgive and forget might be the only solution to protect one’s feeling. Then, comes equality, balance. Fairness. Memories, depression, sadness. Pretentious.

How complex a human being can be?

Even I myself sometimes confused with my own feelings.

At one point, I was brave and daring but at another point, I have the urge to protect myself from getting hurt. If I was to fall deeper, I know I don’t have the power to rise up again.

For example, love.

It’s sure nice to be in love, share the happiness with your partner, laugh together and so on but another heart break…?

No, I can’t go through that. *shudders* I’d rather eat my own self than going through another heart break even if it means one sided.

Here’s thinking I have a tough heart when the fact is… it’s too fragile. It’s been beaten and broken. Shattered and fixed again and obviously won’t be the same.

Another example, friendship.

Now that’s a long story to be told. Having friends to stab you in front hurts as much as they do even from behind. But why then, were they called friends? How could they?

PS: Didn’t I tell you? Humans are scary creatures.

Willkommen auf Deutschland! part 2

Sorry, I’ve been rather lazy knowing summer is here. *grins* Korean dramas have been keeping me occupied throughout the day. And night.

***

We arrived at Frankfurt and stayed over at a friend’s house. The initial plan was to drop the car in Hamburg while Syamim and Nabiela take a train to Berlin and then fly off to London the following morning. After further consideration, visiting Hamburg was cancelled and all five of us left to Berlin the very next morning. Was too exhausted to drive; I slept throughout the 9 hours journey.

To our surprise, Berlin was freezing cold with the wind blowing hard and rain came down now and then. After going around Berlin for a bit, we dropped off the car and had doner kebab (which was supposed to be delish, and it is!) for dinner. Fortunately I’m in my layers so I didn’t feel that cold; gave my outer coat for them to borrow. Everyone was getting knackered by the time we reached the hostel again. However, me, Arif and Syamim went for a night walk at the Brandenburg Tor while experiencing the night life in Berlin, specifically the underground.

The next morning, I woke up knowing the other girls left for London. Was that tired that I didn’t realised they came in to bid goodbye. Waking up to beautiful clouds (which I wished I took a picture of them) felt as if I’d rather stay in and enjoy the comfy bed than walking about in Berlin. Then again, chances are very rare- I finally woke up and went for a shower before heading out. We got into Madam Tussauds and Sea Life; I’d definitely enjoyed Sea Life more whatnot with the pretty sharks and starfishes. We had kebab again for lunch and head off to the Tor and Checkpoint Charlie. By the time we reached to the museums, they were all closed. Arif loves the doner there so we decided to find another shop for dinner.

Last day in Berlin finally; spent the morning in museums. By noon, we left to the airport and I especially was excited to be home!

Oh did I mention? Chondritis attacked me quite a few times in Berlin. Only in Berlin. Looks like I have to avoid cold windy places. Or rather, I shall have it checked this summer! Woohoo~

***

But I guess bad luck never ends there. Carelessly, I left my spectacles in a cab and for the next few days or so before I leave for Malaysia, I shall be half-blinded.  Oh well, I should really get used to this, shouldn’t I?

PS: Open up and truth shall be revealed.

Teddy!

Changing my profile picture with Teddy (see Facebook) brought millions of memories back. Funny how things have changed lately. The tears I’ve cried dried and there’s none flowing even when sometimes you crossed my mind.

I just don’t know how to tell Teddy that you won’t be around anymore. Don’t think I even have the heart to face him and smile happily when deep down, the scar isn’t fully healed. It’s really unfair isn’t it? Lucky no children were involved otherwise they could be traumatised as much as I am.

But you’re long gone.

You’ve moved on.

And it’s about time that you should let me go fully…

…  so I could move on too.

Willkommen auf Deutschland! part 1

I’m back home bitchezzz~ Well, it’s been three days since I’ve landed. The vacay has been a crazy one and I’m not looking forward to any because I’m energy deprived for now.

***

We started off our journey with missing the flight in the morning and had to pay quite a sum of euros for the night flight. Everything had to be changed; the car, hostels, plans. For a second I really thought I didn’t want to proceed with the vacation, knowing a bad start might just continue for the rest of the week. At least, I wasn’t wrong in this sense. Then again, we all boarded the plane to Frankfurt and drove for 6 hours down to Munich; taking turns with Syamim, Arif and I . After checking in at the hostel, we rested for a bit and continued the plan for the day. Being me; always so silly, I hiked the mountains with my wedges and bearing the pain throughout. Supposed to visit 2 castles on different ends but we accidentally climbed the second castle first. Had to walked back all the way down and I finally gave up hiking and climbing. Feet screamed for their lives so I decided to ditch those castles and went to the royal family museum by the Alpsee sea by myself. The most, it’s warm and cosy to be in rather than outside which was raining tiny bits of raindrops.

On our way back home, we stopped by the road and had a camwhore session and I drove back to Munich while the rest were peacefully sleeping drowned by the tiredness that took us the whole day. I couldn’t sleep well that night but eventually the exhaustion took me deep into the dreamland.

Soon before we realised, we’re on our way to Europa Park the very next day. About 3 hours by car to reach there and when we finally did, the adrenaline rush got our hearts thumping at the sight of the crazy loopy rides and soft fading screams. The first ride we got on was well, personally, a tad bit disappointing. After a while, everything started to get its thrust and ‘Wooden’ was by far the most thrilled ride in the park. I’d normally do the driving back to our hostels since I knew the girls and Arif will definitely be tired and being me, a quiet driver, I don’t normally do the talking in the car.

Rhine Valley was our next destination. Driving back up to somewhere nearby Frankfurt means another 6 hours to be spent in the car. We stopped by a park and stretched our arms and legs after the long journey. Having ice creams in the car with little rain outside, the setting was just nice to have a nap after. Just before midnight, we arrived at a friend’s place in Frankfurt to stay for a night.

***

I’ll probably continue the rest of the trip tomorrow or something. Can’t really think properly now since I’m watching Korean drama by the side. Teehee.

PS: Chasing pavements? 

The End.

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah

The two weeks of finals are finally over! Yay!

* What Time Is It?- High school musical 2 playing at the background*

 IT’S SUMMER TIME BABY! :D

Right after exams, my friends and I went for a huge lunch; at least for me since I haven’t been eating a lot during exams period. Then, went for a bit of shopping with the little girl *smiles* and we had frappuccino as desserts. Strolled in the park and a bit of camwhore here and there, it suddenly feels like I’m too free to do all those. A week ago, I actually asked for a hangout with a dear friend of mine but I thought since we haven’t been talking so, that hangout was automatically cancelled. But apparently, it’s still going on but since I wasn’t prepared for it, I ended up ruin the whole plan. At most, that friend gets to sweat in the evening. *wink*

Library books were all returned and they cost me €7 for returning late. I wouldn’t blame it since I can’t keep track of dates during exams week. Initial plan of the day was to have lunch, ice-cream *been craving for that*, a bit of running, Korean dramas marathon, sleep and the next day do a bit of shopping. But none of those actually happened except for lunch. It’s alright though since the day turned out pretty well for me.

Anyways, I’ll be going to Germany for a short vacation with my group mates. With Mom said yes to that, I can finally go with ease. Again, Alhamdulillah. I don’t know what to expect though. Pretty nervous about it I’m not sure why. So, all you readers out there do take care of yourselves and I’ll write again when I’m back inshallah :)

And so I shall get ready to leave home soon. Having dinner with the girls but I can’t take anything in anymore. I’m too full from lunch; had a big bowl of seafood ramen. Looks like I’ll be having another long night tonight. The girls are planning for a movie-night-slumber-party which means, I can actually get my dose of ice-cream! WeeHoo~

PS: I’ll get you fridge magnet, okay? 

A great loss was felt.

Although I wasn’t that close to be called a friend, but the way he left brought up all those deep memories buried within myself. In such a cruel way to let go, between the times when they found out, did you suffer? Was that what you’ve been wanting after all?

Never have I told this story. Never has anyone known except those who were close enough for me to tell. I was (and still is) a girl with faith. A huge faith but I lost the battle of pain. Too weak to be strong, I thought of the easiest way to be free. Wished something called Death could make them go away; the pain, the sufferings, grieves and sadness. I tried calling Death. I came close enough but someone out there must have loved me so much, I surrendered. After a whole day being in bed I got up and prayed. Prayed for forgiveness for being such a weak believer.

Days went by and within time, hope instilled bit by bit in me. I grew stronger as I could; not wanting to look back at those stupid mistakes I've made. HE loves Mom I supposed. HE probably doesn’t want Mother to suffer because HE knew she might not be able to go through another loss.

Death would sometimes wave at me. As if he’s coming close for a catch up since I hang up on him. Nevertheless, I keep walking away. Walking as far as I could, running as fast as I could, jumping as high as I could.

Is anybody listening? Will there be someone out there for me to reach out to? I doubt that. I’ll stand with my own two feet. Stand tall and sturdy. I have to otherwise I wouldn’t be who and where I am today.

I’ll keep smiling. A sincere smile to share with the world.

PS: Rest In Peace.